the exploding starlet x

When does she finally say “yes” to one of the biggest decisions of her life?

Something she knows will change everything?

How long does one need to sit with the roads untaken branching outwards from the trunk of the body, knowing that nothing outside of herself can give the green light but herself?

At the age of 35 she thinks she might have “found herself.”

This wouldn’t be the first time. She found herself at the age of 20 in the lavender fields of Provence, and several glimpses again here and there, but ultimately, the girl has be roaming wondrously lost for dawns and dusks continuously.

I imagine there will be more times in her life in which she loses and finds herself again and again. Each time as the previous characters of her own life, but now with a new glow up and plot twist to make things more interesting.

One might find it odd that she is 35 and soon without a home or a job, a city or a partner. And she used to be so scared of the absence of those things. After all, we have the innate need for security, to please society, and it is so much easier to find ourselves outside of ourselves rather than within ourselves. At least, that’s the narrative she used to believe.

She didn’t trust herself to be accountable for every single thing which occurred in her life. Because that meant that the absence of those pillars such as partners and children, was only herself to blame for failing to obtain or achieve them.

The pressure. Of having to make every. single. decision. of. her. life.

Of course she pined for the ease of having that done for her. Of giving that power away, outside of herself to her mother or employer or cityscape.

And she tried to create a life which looked like her Pinterest boards… and admittedly, got pretty close. But it was just illusion pinned after illusion when underneath it all felt hollow and numb or at times even painful, isolating, and grieving.

The journey to her dreams, at times, has been so incredibly deceiving. She imagined “finding herself” as an expansive and exhilarating journey, but failed to consider that in order for that to happen her life would have to become a black hole which sucked all of the light and everything within its path into the abyss until nothing was left.

And it took an explosion.

Like a brilliant star.

In order for that expansion and exhilaration to catapult into happenstance.

She is not the girl who started this journey all those years ago.

She is better.

She has learned how to open herself up to casual and platonic love. She has reclaimed her mental real estate back from the realm of potential suitors and learned to keep the balls which serve her well within in her court. She has come into her own confidence and power into the workplace and no longer feels imposture syndrome in power suits.

She has found a companion in grief and surrender.

She has courted with risks and opportunities which reminded her of who she is.

She is curious about who she can be, and leads with love and happiness and what “feels good” in this present version of herself.

There is no separation between herself and Source. There is no need to look outside herself and pray to external deities.

For she is infinite and divine. A reservoir of magic and luck and love. Equal parts light and shadow, both in healthy measure. She is shelter and security and reassurance. She is the nurturing mother and the receiving child. The teacher, student, researcher and observer.

She is the answer

the guide

the dream in which she seeks.

She is the anchor and the free wild spirit.

The guardian. The angel. The genius and the fool.

She is the leap of faith. The fall. And the one who will pick herself up.

The melody. And the receiving dance.

The town. And the paint of red.

And so, when does she say finally “yes” to one of the biggest decisions of her life?

Something which will change everything.

Only she can know that.

x Lindsay